Recipes for a Writer’s Budget
By: Brandy Gonzalez
Money? What’s money? You’re a writer, you do not remember what it looks or feels like (It’s still green, right?). But that’s okay—these recipe ingredients come from what a writer already possesses (unless you sold all possessions for rent money). Still waiting for the PayPal payment from your last published work? No worries, my friend! Read on for sustainable sustenance ideas that will keep you alive long enough for that publishing check to clear.
Breakfast: The most important meal of the day just became the cheapest. A couple deep breaths and you’re set for the morning. Want variety? Take your laptop to different coffee shops and brunch restaurants. If you breathe in the smell of cappuccino enough, maybe the caffeine will hit you. Breathe deep, it’s almost like there’s actual food or beverages in your digestive system!
Lunch: For the days when you’re feeling extra bougie and “eating” more than one meal per day. Bundle all your rejection letters into a sizable stack. Now, just chomp down and enjoy. Paper may initially be difficult to consume, but your digestive system will adjust. Plus, constipation saves money on toilet paper!
Ink appetizer: Just thinking about this one makes my stomach growl. In fear or hunger, that’s the fun mystery! Two options are available: sucking down the delicious contents of your pen or, if you’re lucky enough to own a printer, popping out that cartridge and breaking apart the contents like lethal butter rolls. Now, this MAY lead to an emergency room visit (possibly preceded by an ambulance ride) followed by a hospital stay, but that also will lead to hospital food. Don’t worry about medical bills, all your billing addresses are temporary anyway.
Emotional Soup: The poor man’s soup ain’t got nothing on this. Add the tears from your latest rejection letter to a cup of water. Boil and enjoy! Invite fellow writers over, BYOT (Bring Your Own Tears). Now, with all those different soups, it’s a potluck!
Dinner: Reread unfinished drafts until you’re so stressed that you may not eat for days. This is also a great diet!
Dessert: Draw a picture of a cake and remember what the taste feels like in your mouth. I’m full already!