Bud Light’s Real Men of Genius Rewritten for Real Women

By: Rejected Writers and Marie Strycharz

Bud Light Presents: Real Women of Genius 

This Bud’s for you, Ms. Toddler Life-Saver. Your toddler choked on an M&M and you didn’t sit there and watch like your husband. (What is wrong with him?) You did the Heimlich without even realizing you knew how to do the Heimlich. (You saw it on Grey’s Anatomy once.) But it’s okay because your husband can still open jars. Sometimes. (Why is he so weak?) So drink up, Toddler-Life-Saver, you’ll need it for when your silly toddler sticks his head between two rails next week. 

Here’s to you, Ms. Complimenter-Lady. You make sure you compliment everyone you run into, even if you don’t really like the thing you’re complimenting. You can’t help but turn a pout into a smile. (Everyone is sad.) Last week, you complimented an old lady’s knitted scarf (it was puke yellow), your quiet neighbor’s mask (it was a surgical mask) and your dog’s fur (he can’t even understand). Keep on complimenting, Complimenter-Lady, we could all use a smile these days. 

Cheers to you, Ms. Ice Cream Innovator. While most commoners would go at it with a spoon, you said, “fork it.” You dug your fork’s teeth into that pint of Chunky Monkey and excavated chocolate chunks of brilliance. (Brilliance tastes so good.) No one can shovel walnuts and chunky bits quite like you can. (It’s a skill.) You are the Poseidon of pints, and Fork is your Trident. While some may call your ice cream utensil of choice a “hot take,” we call it ice cold ingenuity. 

Today we salute you, Ms. Best Friend of Every Dog You Meet on the Street. You know that embracing a total stranger on the sidewalk is totally inappropriate. Unless that stranger walks on four legs. (You’re my new best friend.) Nothing can stop you from loving on a labradoodle whose path you happened to cross—not even its eye rolling owner, who clearly has somewhere to be. (Just give her 30 seconds.) You may be every dog walker’s worst nightmare. But you’re every attention-seeking Yorkie’s dream come true. And dogs are way better judges of character, anyway. So keep petting those puppers, Best Friend of Every Dog You Meet on the Street. This bud’s for you. 

This Bud goes out to you, Ms. Meal-Maker. Without you, your family would probably die of starvation. (They wouldn’t survive on cereal.) It seems like no one can string together a last minute meal from a box like you can. (You have a gift.) Sometimes you wonder what it would feel like if your family served you for a change, but then you remember, you would probably die of starvation. (You can’t die.) So here’s to you, Meal-Maker, keep making that frozen pizza look hot. 

Cheers to you, Ms. Moral Compass Holder. You don’t know how you became the Moral Compass Holder, but it seems like the world gave you have the impossible task of holding everyone around you accountable for their racist, sexist, homophobic, opportunist and privileged actions. (That was a mouth full). It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it. (You’re the chosen one.) And that someone has somehow become you. 

Today, we’re pouring one out for you, Ms. Sock Picker-Upper. Door knobs, floors, couch seats, corners, the tool box. (How’d it get in the sink?) It doesn’t matter what room you’re in or what you’re doing, there’s always a sock in your way. (None of these match.) And you pick it up while still keeping your cool. That makes you stronger and cooler than any man out there. So keeping on picking up those socks, Sock Picker-Upper, because no sock deserves to be abandoned.  

Today we salute you, Ms. Co-Worker With the Really Nice Zoom Background. (You’re the MVP.) We see your perfectly styled nightstand and carefully made bed. (Apartment Therapy take note.) No one has to know about the pile of clothes to your left, the imploding closet to your right, or the three empty cans of Diet Coke on your desk. All that matters is what’s directly behind you. (That art ledge is so chic.) So keep stashing your trash in your laptop camera blind spots, and take all the compliments you can get.

Here’s to you, Ms. Fuzzy Puller-Outer. Finding that fuzzy on the carpet. And that other fuzzy on the couch. And the one hanging from the throw blanket. There’s always a fuzzy. (Where do they all come from?) Makes you wonder how no one else in your family sees them. Maybe they can’t. Maybe you were just blessed with super vision and powers of fuzzy detection. (Is it a gift or a curse?) So crack open a Bud while you pick from the bottomless pit of fuzzies that is your house. Us mere mortals need you. 

Today we salute you, Ms. Plant-Keep-Aliver. Sure, most of your houseplants are overwatered and under-fertilized, but you promised to keep them alive. (It says to water once every two weeks.) No one said anything about thriving. When it comes to your ivy green babies, it’s all about baby steps. Until the last leaf on your last money tree falls off, we’ll call this story a success. So keep showering your succulents with love. (They’re starting to flood.) We’re sure it can’t hurt. 

This bud’s for you, Ms. Commenter-on-Every-Post. You make a point to react to every relative’s every photo as if each one were posted specifically for you to see. Actually, we’re pretty sure that’s what you think. (Target audience of one.) But who doesn’t love getting witty responses on their engagement photos, like “Gorgeous! The ring looks nice too.” (Pure comedic gold.) You’re like a Facebook Pokemon trainer, out to catch ‘em all. So keep commenting on your cousin’s wife’s pics and high school acquaintance’s divorce updates. They need you. 

This bud’s for you, Ms. Organizer-In-Chief. If it wasn’t for you, your team would all be fired. No one can take meeting notes like you can, also making you the Note-Taker-In-Chief and you don’t even mind. You use the Konmari method better than Marie Kondo herself. (It just sparks joy.) And judging by the way you pack your lunches, all your socks must have a matching pair. (Oh so satisfying.) You color-code, alphabetize and date everything from Powerpoint slides to ballpoint pens. So never stop organizing, Organizer-In-Chief, because the world is a total mess without you.