LEAKED EMAIL: The Burger King Will Now Be Adorned With the Skins of the Foes He Has Vanquished In Combat

By: Ryan Ciecwisz

Hi team,

Wanted to take a moment to run through the changes in our marketing that will be rolling out in the coming weeks. Our very own Burger King is getting a makeover! Instead of wearing the Royal Mantle, he will instead be adorned with the skins and remains of the foes whom he has vanquished in combat.

As we all know, some of the Burger King’s biggest nemeses are Ronald McDonald, Chef Boyardee, and the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. Moving forward, all of these mascots/entities will be considered killed in ritualistic combat by the King. We plan to humbly ask our competitors that if they depict these characters in their advertising, they please make clear they are a ghost or a zombie or something.

Being the Burger King’s arch nemesis, Ronald McDonald (whom the Burger King will hereby refer to as “Clown Fuck”) obviously will get the most graphic death. In a forthcoming TV spot which Doug is spearheading, consumers will get to see just how the Burger King came to wear Clown Fuck’s teeth as a necklace and use his hide as a tunic. The ad will begin with the Burger King confronting Clown Fuck with irrefutable evidence that he has been using the Ronald McDonald House Charities as a laundering front to pay for all the expenses of his concubine, The Hamburglar. Clown Fuck will beg for mercy, but the Burger King will not grant it to him, for the Burger King is just as committed to justice as he is to creating delicious flame broiled hamburgers.

Another significant branding change for the King will be that every time we depict his likeness, he will be crying. Racked with guilt over the senseless killings but unable to change his behavior, the days of seeing the King smiling and with cheeks free of tear stains are over. The King’s depression will also render him impotent and unable to make love to his Queen, meaning that there will be no heir to his throne (making the King even more depressed). Barb mocked up some excellent models for this. It will also tie into an initiative to combat toxic masculinity, a topic our competitors refuse to address. Never once have I seen Chef Boyardee weep for the sins that have stained his soul. That’s part of the problem, and our company aims to be a part of the solution with a new promotion: if any man enters one of our restaurants and sheds the tears only the brokenhearted can, so long as he is able to chug a large Mountain Dew, he will get a free small onion rings with his purchase of $10 or more.

While we are on the subject of the King’s rebirth, we must of course consider his inevitable demise. Ultimately, he will be done in when the Fryer of Damocles (fryer placed precariously on a shelf that sits above his throne) falls and cooks him alive. Tony in Legal is going to look into how graphic we’re allowed to make this. Then we’ll bring him back as a ghost like Slimer, but instead of eating hot dogs, he will eat, you guessed it, delicious flame broiled hamburgers. Also, the flesh of his enemies.

I acknowledge this all seems risky. Hell, when we purposefully leaked the Burger King’s sybian session as a way to drum up controversy in hopes it would get people to try our newly released milkshakes, our sales decreased 900%. But we bounced back. What I’m saying is, even if this thing blows up in our faces, I’m moderately confident we’ll recover.

Here at Burger King, our customers expect us to constantly innovate without losing sight of what makes our restaurants so special. In order to help us celebrate the King’s new look, instead of getting a bunch of french fries in a cardboard pouch, when customers order our starchy snack, they will instead get one really long fry (because it looks like a king’s staff). Customers will be encouraged to march around with it, use it to Knight individuals worthy of recognition, or if they’re feeling like the Burger King himself, beating a rival into submission with it. The “Have It Your Way” slogan isn’t just a sentence to us; it’s a promise.

If you have any questions, please reach out.

Best, The Burger King’s Dad (this is my new title instead of CEO)