A Letter to Newly Employed Graduate
Rejected on August 29, 2019
Dear Newly Employed Graduate,
First of all, congratulations on getting a job! At our University, we pride ourselves on our graduates getting jobs; and we couldn’t be happier that you have one. A job is one of the most important things, trust us, we have one. Keep in mind, there is no way you could have possibly done it without the help your Alma Mater - so please consider donating $18 to our university.
We know you already spent two hundred thousand dollars on tuition, and we can assure you that one hundred percent of that money went to good use, and definitely not paying our athletes or cover-up harassment lawsuits. But we still need more money. You just got a new job - we know you have it. And we want it, badly.
This new money is way better than your old money. Mostly because it's new, and yours. Tuition was not your money. It was probably your grandpa’s, or your single mom’s, or the loan agency’s. But, as a previously unemployed 22-year-old, it definitely was not your money. Which is why donating your new money is different and better!
Give back to the place that almost gave you herpes and an Adderall addiction. Think about how good it will feel to send a billion-dollar institution eighteen dollars. Your hard work, sweat, and finger cramps will go to help plant one-third of a tree or a single brick in our new Poly Sci building. It WILL make all of the difference.
It doesn’t matter that these eighteen dollars are your food for the week. It doesn’t matter that you can’t afford your apartment. And it definitely doesn’t matter that it took you 5 months to find a job because we lost accreditation. What does matter, is that you graduated from our University, therefore, you are forever indebted to us in the form of eighteen-dollar installments.
And if you don’t give us the eighteen dollars now, we will continuously email and call you every month forever. We really want your eighteen dollars. Our endowments are nowhere near enough. Hopefully, in the future, you can give us more of your hard-earned money, even though you already gave us your entire life savings - it’s not enough, and never will be.
Warmest regards,
Provost Chancellor,
Douglas A. Knopf