Crimes For Which I’d Like to Pardon Myself in 2018
Rejected on June 5, 2018
Bailing on drinks with co-workers because I’m “trying to stay healthy” only to pick up Panda Express and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Coffee Toffee Bar Crunch on my way home.
Tweeting about the lack of multi-dimensional roles for women of color on television while watching Sex and the City re-runs on E!.
Putting Kanye’s new album on a private playlist so no one can see I still listen to him.
Demanding Delta Airlines reimburse me for a delayed flight knowing that I would have missed it anyway due to the six Picklebacks I consumed the night before.
Using the caucasian raising hands emoji in an email to my boss requesting a salary review.
Impulsively buying that rose gold electric toothbrush on Instagram.
Charging my roommate $2.39 on Venmo after a Noosa® Finest Yoghurt mysteriously vanished from the fridge.
Scrolling through Tomi Lahren’s Twitter feed during a sensitivity training seminar with HR.
Ordering delivery through Seamless from the Thai place two doors down because I have a once-per-day limit on walking up my five flights of stairs.
Writing #MeToo in the caption of a photo in which I’m wearing the same shirt as someone else on the subway.
Taking an edible before going to see A Quiet Place and ruining the experience for the 100 or so other viewers.
Using my boyfriend’s HBO Now account, then changing the password when he broke up with me.
Crying in the bathroom at work.
Crying at the nail salon.
Giving up all hope, quitting my job and selling all of my possessions to move to Reykjavík and make a living selling beaded necklaces on Etsy under the pseudonym Ice Olation, forcing my mother to share a “Have you seen this girl?” Facebook post with my entire network, including an ex-classmate who happened to be visiting Iceland at the time and caught me asking tourists for change under the Aurora Borealis.
Crying on the 1 train.